The Story of ScienceShipping
by Cheesy Corn Chowder
Summary: Randolph Carter meets the Tin Man in Monument Valley. What happens next can only be described as cheesy, corny fanfic romance.


I doubt that any of us on board the Liberty will ever forget the alien invasion years ago. Having your planet attacked by ice extraterrestrials is somehow rather memorable. But for me, I will always remember one day from that time for a much different reason: it was the day I fell in love. I remember it as if it had occurred the previous day from when I am writing this…

It started in Monument Valley, USA. The late president Lincoln and I had just explained to the others about the alien menace. We informed them about the Great Shugguth, the creature responsible for creating the large army of aliens we battled against. Young Mr. Sawyer suggested we destroy it, an idea I found to be possible, though implausible. Once I revealed the location of the Great Shugguth, a temple buried miles beneath the frozen, icy surface of Antarctica, President Lincoln had the Liberty taken to the Boiler Room in Monument Valley. He desired getting the Liberty outfitted for the extreme subzero temperatures of the South Pole.

Once we landed, we disembarked and went off on our own. Captain Fleming and Mr. Henry went off to admire A.B.E.'s drill, Queen Califia and Ms. Lily went to get a drink, Ms. Fox flirted a bit with Mr. Lowell and Ike (who has never informed of his surname…), Tom went off after Fleming and Henry to admire the mechanics, and I can't quite recall what the others were up to. As for myself, I went to clean off my spectacles. They had become covered with alien slime and blood from the previous few battles we had been a part of (I still have nightmares about the subway station). Not wishing to stain my white shirt, I went to a nearby vent, removed my spectacles, and let the steam moisten the fluids. I then took out my handkerchief and polished them off, and used the steam to clean the handkerchief as well.

However, almost as soon as my vision was back to status quo, the alarm went off. "Attention: enemy troops approaching!" buzzed over the loudspeaker, "All units, report to battle stations! Repeat, report to battle stations!" The 10 of us rushed to President Lincoln's Briefing Room on board the Liberty. He instructed us to repel the alien attacks until the ship was geared up for use again. He told us we'd be rendezvousing with an agent in the field during this next mission, so three of us ventured forth. I was one of them, equipped with my Unspeakable Lure, the Gatling Gun, and a Patriotic Boiler on my back. I was joined by Califia and Tiger Lily. We left the Liberty and headed outside of the base.

As we were walking, searching for the agent as well as the enemy, we heard a rattling noise in grass nearby. "Lily," Califia questioned, "did you bring the Rattle Gun?"

"No," she replied, "Last I checked, the Fox has it."

"Then…what was that noise?" I nervously pondered aloud.

"One moment," said a voice from behind us, "if you please…" The three of us turned around and saw a mechanical man, holding a weapon delightfully decorated with what is either a turtle or a tortoise (the figure lacks legs, so it is impossible to judge). "Allow me to accompany you," he requested.

Over the wireless, Captain Fleming asked what this man was, suggesting that he might be a wind-up machine. Scarecrow defended the man, saying he is an old friend of both him and Lion. President Lincoln introduced him as Tin Man, explaining that he was rebuilt after his unfortunate accident. Captain Fleming apologized and introduced himself.

Tin Man told Captain Fleming not to worry, not blaming him for "thinking [him] an unfeeling machine." He then said it was his heart's desire to aid us in eliminating the alien menace.

"Hi," Tiger Lily said, "My name is Tiger Lily."

"Greetings," Califia boldly introduced herself, "I am Queen Califia, **queen of the Island of California!** "

"Salutations," I said, "I am Professor Randolph Carter, S.T.E.A.M.'s leading expert in what the ignorant might call 'the Occult.'"

"My pleasure to meet you all," he said.

"What does your gun do, Mr. Tin Man?" Tiger Lily asked.

"It is my Steam Projector. Though useless against enemies, it can be used to quickly transfer steam from my tank to yours."

"Cool," she replied, "My gun fires a shell filled with healing compounds. If you ever need some health, feel free to ask."

"I will remember that. Thank you."

"We must get going," Califia demanded, "There are the exploding aliens all around us!"

"Crashers," I commented, "They are called 'crashers.'"

"Well," Califia said, cocking her Rhino Bomber, "I call them 'beasts in need of killing!'"

Over the wireless, Katherine informed us that two alien queens were in the area. She told us to destroy them in order to defend the base.

We went over to the nearby Help Monitor. I do thank Katherine for being so thoughtful in sending them down. I always felt they provided useful strategies, and the fact they refill steam tanks is a superb bonus. It read "Partly cloudy with a 90% chance of aliens falling on you and exploding."

I tilted my head up to peer at the sky. "There are no clouds in the sky today," I commented. I looked around us. "And it seems to be a 100% chance of aliens falling and exploding." I got out my Unspeakable Lure and fired it at the space behind us. Califia and Tiger Lily fired at some of the nearby aliens, which exploded into blobs of green slime. Tin Man fired some steam into each of our boilers. "I admit that feels better," I said.

With each of us in a safe and secure position, with enough steam to attack in case the aliens approached, we prepared for the Crashers to come, if you'll pardon the pun, crashing down. I am very amazed that this rather uncivilized race of creatures does have the courtesy to allow us to have a turn moving around before they move around themselves. Perhaps they are not so impolite as not to let us get ourselves prepared for their attacks. Or perhaps, like us agents, they need to have time to refuel before they attack and it happens to be as long as we are moving.

However, Crashers are not polite. They do not attack one single agent and then stop as most of the others do; they instead find the most agents they possibly can and explode themselves, taking out as many agents as possible. They have no concept of respect, courtesy, honor, and no value for life, theirs or ours. They also have such a large exploding radius that once in the range of a prepared agent, it's already too late to fire at them and they will instead explode. Most of us were grimly injured after the first wave of the Crashers. Not even my Unspeakable Lure kept them distracted. So by the time our steam tanks were refilled, we were taking quite a beating, most of us halfway gone on health.

With our steam tanks replenished, we began heading up the valley walls. I hypothesize that had young Mr. Sawyer accompanied us, he would've been able to scale the valley effortlessly. But alas, he was not. Instead, we went up an inclined section to the right. We ascended up it and prepared for the aliens' advancement. A few explosions later, Tiger Lily, Califia, and I were all knocked out by those suicide bombers, so we had to be airlifted out of the area. Being unconscious, I cannot recall what happened next, but from what I was later told, Tin Man gathered up a few medals, went over to a nearby recharge station, and dispensed 100 medals to revive us. The three of us were patched up, Tin Man's dents and scratches were fixed, and the three of us were dropped back into battle. The first thing I recall seeing as I woke up was Tin Man's handsome, metallic face, staring down at me.

"Professor Carter," he asked, "are you okay?" He reached out his hand to help me up.

"Yes," I commented, taking his hand, "I'm feeling much better now." He pulled and lifted me up. However, he applied too much pressure and when I got up, he accidentally pulled me close to himself. He and I held each other, standing mere centimeters from each other. We stared into each other's eyes. I blushed and he chuckled.

"Hey!" Califia yelled, "Are you two going to help us, or is your staring battle more important to your personal pride than this battle is to the inhabitants of Earth?"

"Oh," Tin Man said, "I apologize, Queen Califia." He turned to me. "Let us commence, Professor Carter."

"Yes," I said, "Let's go." I picked up my guns and put them in their holsters.

We continued to climb the sides of the valley. Unintentionally, Tin Man and I found ourselves drawn towards each other, like Berserkers to a frozen piece of meat. We stayed by each other's sides for the rest of the battle. I can't explain why. Perhaps it was simply Cupid's scarlet twine of affection keeping us close by one another.

At the top of the valley, there was a queen alien, red in color, producing those little hellions. Califia got out her Rhino Bomber and began blasting away at her shell. "See how a true queen does battle!" Califia yelled.

As she fired at her, Tin Man kept refilling her steam tank. It is quite amazing that our weapons come with unlimited ammo, just so long as we have steam to use them. Regardless, seeing Tin Man using his weapon so much got me wondering. "Excuse me," I said to him.

"Yes, Professor Carter?"

"Please…call me Randy."

"Alright…Randy." He winked at me. I blushed.

"I was wondering how your Steam Projector works. Did you make it?"

"No. I wish I could have. I am very experienced with wood. Before my…accident, I was a woodcutter in my homeland of Japan."

"What happened, if I may ask?"

"I would rather not discuss it. It is…too painful to talk about."

"I know how that feels. Having studied these creatures, I've seen images that haunt me every night. I haven't had a good night's sleep in years."

"That must be difficult."

"It is. I also often experience fainting whenever I become too emotionally stressed. I don't know what it is that keeps me going, though. Perhaps it's a love for studying." I turned to face him. "I'm currently teaching at Miskatonic University."

"I have heard of that place. Scarecrow is quite fond of their graveyard."

"Indeed he is. I've peered out my office window to see him prancing and skipping about like a schoolgirl."

Tin Man laughed. "It is too bad he prefers to dance in the graves rather than enhance his brain." He and I both laughed. "Have you ever heard the story of how Lion, Scarecrow, and I met?"

"I can't say that I have, unless it involves eldritch abominations."

"I…do not know what that means. I will have to tell you at a later point."

At that moment, Tiger Lily fired an arrow at the queen's weak point with her Steam Crossbow. The queen collapsed, froze over, and shattered apart. "Balance is restored," Tiger Lily commented. Katherine applauded us for our hard work, and told us to move on to the second queen. Judging by the earlier noise, we concluded that she was on the other side of the valley. The only way across to her was the steam ducts going from one side to the other.

We walked around the rock the queen was birthing the crashers on. As we waited for our tanks to replenish, the women were attacked by a Lurker, an exasperating specimen that, as the name implies, lurks under the sand like a worm, popping up at inopportune moments to attack.

"Go ahead," Tiger Lily said once we all had steam again, "Califia and I will finish this guy off." Tin Man and I obeyed her order and proceeded forward. Around the corner was a series of small cliffs. We jumped down them and spotted two Shrikes, small airborne aliens that the Fox seems to have no difficulty eradicating. We, however, spent quite a deal of time and steam shooting at them. Tin Man had an advantage since he was already equipped with a Steam Rifle.

While we were alone, Tin Man and I got to talking again. "So, Randy, you seem very energetic for someone who does not get much sleep. What is your secret?"

"I drink a lot of coffee. Do you like coffee?"

"I have never actually had coffee before. What is it like?"

"Normally, it is horrendously bitter and scalding hot. But there's this nice little coffee shop down the street from Miskatonic. It's called Ishmael's. It's run by a retired boat captain. He normally adds a plethora of milk and sugar."

"Interesting," Tin Man replied, "Perhaps, sometime after we have won the war…you and I could go over to Ishmael's and have a cup of coffee…"

"Are you asking me on a date, Tin Man?" I asked.

"If you wish to call it that…" he smiled at me. I returned the grin.

We quickly reached the vents. I looked down at the ground far below. "Oh, I don't like this one bit…" I started to experience vertigo and nearly fainted.

Tin Man caught me in his arms and lifted me back to a vertical position. "Do not worry, Randy. The top of the vents are very wide and flat. You should not have to worry about walking across them."

"Still, it's a long way down to the ground from up here…"

"Here," he replied, extending his hand, "Take my hand. I will keep you steady as we go across."

I looked down at his hand. I noticed that he had been rebuilt with only 4 fingers (3, if the thumb does not count). I momentarily pondered if the elimination of one finger lessens the grip of a hand, and thus feared I might slip from his hand to the rocky surface below. But I recalled that he had kept a tight grip upon his weapons, so I had renewed comfort about him holding my hand. I took it. His hand, despite being made of metal, was still warm and soothing. Though perhaps that's because I always wear gloves and was doing so at the time. He went down first onto the vent and he helped me down. We slowly walked along the top, waiting the appearance of Califia and Tiger Lily.

"So are you actually constructed out of tin now?" I asked, "If you don't mind me asking?"

"I actually am not," I said, "My nickname is not technically accurate. My body is made of a gold-titanium alloy."

"That explains it. I was wondering since tin is not that color."

"I am happy that they gave me blue hair. I was tired of having plain black hair. Blue hair is much more noticeable."

"You'll like Mr. Lowell and Ike, in that case."

"New recruits?"

"Yes. They're from a few centuries back. Using a time-traveling machine, we were able to meet them back in their time, and they requested joining us in our quest."

"Time-traveling machine? Amazing!"

"I know! Isn't technology wonderful?"

"It sure is," Califia said.

Tin Man and I jumped. "Hello, Califia," I said.

"I see you two have not been up to much. Tiger Lily and I just slaughtered a Lurker and some Shrikes." She took out two gears the aliens had left behind. "We also found these."

"Excellent," I said, "We'll be able to get to work on a new boiler. After finishing the Scarab Boiler, President Lincoln commissioned me to work on a new one. A design that will be usable by all of us."

"That would be great!" Tiger Lily said.

"It will take awhile. We're going to need 36 gears to build it." Califia gave me the gears. "So I suppose I should thank you for retrieving these."

"No worries," Califia said. She then shot at something behind us. I ducked in fright, fearing she was attempting to assassinate me. The approaching Crasher stopped in its tracks and exploded at a safe distance. "Effortless." She looked down at me. "Consider us even."

"Thank you," I replied. I picked up my gun. I turned to face the alien queen. It was as if she was staring right back at me. "This situation calls for science!" I declared. I walked over to her. I lifted up my Gatling Gun. I fired 4 shots at her. It appeared to do a good chunk of damage to her. With that confidence, I fired another 4 shots at her. This was obviously detrimental to her, as she was slouching with her weak point revealed fully. I chuckled and aimed right at the easy target. However, my gun refused to shoot. "Oh, no…" I commented, "Not enough steam."

That was when I heard a spraying sound behind me. I turned around and saw Tin Man holding his Steam Projector. "Seems like you could use some backup."

"I appreciate the help," I said, "Let's take this creature down together." I held up my Gatling Gun. Understanding what I was talking about, he lifted his Steam Musket.

"Ready…" he commented. We turned to the queen.

"Aim…" We pointed our guns at her weak spot.

"FIRE!" we shouted together. Both of us pulled our triggers at the same time, firing at her glowing purple center. You could see the terror in her eye. Slime splattered out and she fell to the ground, froze over, and shattered to icy pieces.

"I'm getting the hang of this!" I yelled.

We walked back over to Califia and Tiger Lily. "Both targets eliminated," Katherine announced on the wireless, "Well done!" We looked at the aliens, all departing. "They're pulling back, team. Return to base. Over." She disconnected.

"How will we get back down?" I asked.

"Straight down," Califia replied, "It's the quickest way."

"I'm…uh…I'm quite comfortable up here." She then pushed me down. I began screaming. I braced for impact. I covered my face with my arms to prevent damaging it or my spectacles. The impact hurt. A lot. I don't believe any bones were broken, but I felt pain all over. As I rolled over onto my back, I saw Tin Man falling as well. He landed right on top of me. I haven't figured whether it would be preferable if he fell on me or vice versa. Perhaps neither of us landing on each other would've been better, but I've never bothered to ask him. As he was lying on top of me, he and I stared at each other. We closed our eyes, and moved our mouths close to each other.

We then heard a strong thud next to us. We turned and saw Califia's feet standing next to us. "You weenies. This is why women are the warriors in my homeland."

Tiger Lily fell down next. "Ow…" she moaned, "That…hurt." She turned to Califia. "Califia, be nice."

"Sorry. I just find it pathetic how weak they are."

"Just because they aren't as strong as you are doesn't mean they're pathetic." She launched her medical shell above the four of us, healing each of us.

"I admit, that feels better," I said.

"What a kind-hearted soul," Tin Man said.

Tiger Lily helped us up. "Let's get back inside."

"I like the sound of that," Califia said, "I'd like to discuss politics with Mr. Lincoln. He's quite a fascinating man."

So the four of us walked back to the large doors of the base. "This is Randolph Carter and crew, requesting entrance to the base," I said over the wireless.

"Who?" said the guard.

"Sorry," I said, "Professor Randolph Carter. All this excitement caused me to forget my PhD."

"Ah," the guard replied, "I was worried an intelligent alien intruder was requesting entrance using your body but didn't know about your ego."

"Yes, I can see how you might misinterpret me for an alien. Or interpret me as egotistical."

"Proceed inside, professor." The doors slowly opened up. We walked inside. We set our weapons and boilers up on our personal hooks. I sat down on the nearest set of boxes arranged like a seat.

"I'm exhausted," I said. I looked up at the ceiling. I became hypnotized by the fans all the way up there. Of all the new inventions during this Age of Steam, the ceiling fan is one of my personal favorites. After a long battle or during an afternoon of reading, being under one is so calming and cooling. That's why it always pains me when we have to shoot one down to flatten aliens.

Tin Man sat down beside me. "Long battle, hm?"

"Oh, my, yes…I'm just glad to have eliminated those nightmarish creatures. I'll be seeing them in my personal nightmares, though, from now on."

"Mmm…" Tin Man groaned, "My back feels so bad…"

"I'll take a look at it," I said. I opened up the panel between what would be his shoulder blades. "Looks like you threw out your back after the falling. Some of your gears are falling out of places and causing grinding." I began the process of putting them back in place. "There. That should fix it."

"Thank you very much, Randy."

"It's my pleasure, I assure you." I replaced the panel. "So…are we still good for that coffee date after all this?"

"Absolutely. I am living for it." He and I stared at the floor. "You have a lot of heart," he commented.

"So do you."

"Do not be ridiculous," he said, turning away, "I am a machine. I cannot have a heart."

I put my hand on his shoulder and turned him to face me. "Don't say that. You have plenty of heart. You showed courage, love, compassion, and many other heartfelt emotions. You can't convince me after all that you've done that you have no heart."

"Randy…you are too kind."

"No such thing," I smiled. He and I stared at each other. And then…we kissed.

Throughout my youth, I never recall being attracted to anyone. I suppose I was too focused on my studies to concern myself with romance or dating. I never felt the desire to kiss anyone. Yet here I was, kissing a metal man whom I'd only met an hour or so ago. I suppose that could be considered rushing a relationship. Or to others, it may be evidence of love at first sight. But regardless of your interpretation of it, he and I passionately locked lips. Since I've never kissed a human before, I cannot compare it to kissing a man made of a gold-titanium alloy. However, I can say that it is slightly awkward since he lacks lips, but it still very satisfying. One must also have the acquired taste for metal.

As we were kissing, Captain Fleming ran over to us in a panic. "President Lincoln is unconscious!" he shouted.

Tin Man and I finished our kiss. "What?" I asked, pushing my glasses back up.

"A Prowler managed to sneak into the base, tried to sabotage us, and shot a barrel full of highly-volatile chemicals. President Lincoln sacrificed himself and pushed me out of harm's way. He survived, but none of the crew members can revive him! Not even Tiger Lily!"

"This is bad…" Tin Man commented. He turned to me. "Let's go check on him." We stood up.

"By the way, gentlemen…" Fleming questioned, "what were you doing before I came over here?"

"Um…" I stuttered, "Tin Man was having back pains caused by gears being out of line, so I went and put them back in place."

Captain Fleming did not buy that for a second (though I wasn't being deceitful). I suppose he knew what we were up to. "Don't worry, boys. Your secret is safe with me."

"Okay," I said, "Let's go check on the president."

As we walked away, I could still hear Captain Fleming. He had one last comment to himself, "They remind me of John and I…" I smiled after hearing that, knowing Tin Man and I were not alone.


End file.
